Do you Cringe at Displaying Emotion?

06 Feb

What if sharing how you feel about someone actually enhances your chances of a relationship forming? If you think anything emotional is cringe-worthy, I would like to invite you to consider sharing the odd feeling and seeing what happens.

couple looking into each other's eyes

So I got married on Valentine’s day a couple of years ago to (yes I will say it) the man of my dreams. It is after all a day to celebrate love. It was an awesome day and I feel really happy thinking about it.

Cringe-worthy?

Some of you will thankfully not care. The romantics out there will sigh and silently wish it would happen to them too, but the rest of you will have some adverse reaction to this information; from a mild stomach churn to almost breaking out in hives at the very thought. That is for too ‘ikky’.

This is good! Because what I have to say may actually help you find your ideal partner. As with any noticeable emotional reaction, it is information we can use to our benefit. Repulsion notwithstanding. What I find is that those who hate public displays of affection, cringe at love scenes in movies, shy away from sharing feelings, think people who display emotion are needy, often are unlucky in the romance department. Why is this so?

It is not uncommon for those who don’t like displays of emotion to pride themselves in being independent and emotionally restrained. This pride, while useful in some areas of life,  can be ‘overused’ when it comes to romance, in such a way that there is a risk of undermining the very thing that is desired, namely a meaningful relationship. Usually clients tell me that if they share how they feel about someone, they are certain they will get rejected. “Noone wants neediness” or ‘I don’t need a partner, but it would just be nice to have someone …”

To need and be needed seems to be the sure way to relationship disaster.

The only problem is, no authentic relationship can form, or be maintained healthily, without sharing some form of emotion.

Being connected to another person in any meaningful way will involve some form of feeling. The moment you share something emotive about yourself to someone, the greater the likelihood of connection. Consider your local corner shop. If you go there often enough and see the same chap selling you stuff, at some point you are likely to engage in conversation. When one day he asks you how you are and you dare share that you have been feeling pretty rough, a shift in the dynamic between you will occur. A connection will happen.

Back to dating. A scenario I hear about often, is the one where the client keeps their feelings, usually positive, about their date to themselves. The idea of saying “I really enjoyed your company this evening” or “It would be nice to see you again”, is horrific. One cannot possibly utter such sentiment so early in the day. That would be needy and desperate and surely repel the date. While it may be true in some cases, consider that you may not want to date someone who cannot handle any form of emotion. Furthermore, and most likely, you run the risk of your date thinking that you are not interested in them.

I have heard countless times that people subsequently found out that their dates didn’t think they were interested in them. What if sharing how you feel about someone actually enhances your chances of a relationship forming? How else will someone know that you fancy them? I am sorry to say, but you may have to swallow your pride on this one.

If you think anything emotional is ikky, I would like to invite you to consider sharing the odd feeling and seeing what happens. I am not suggesting you launch into a serenade or marriage proposal on the first date, I am saying that giving someone an indication that you like them by saying how you feel about them (or the time you spent together) will change dating for you completely. And if that is too challenging, try giving a compliment or two and take it from there. Whatever you do, don’t keep love locked in your heart.

Happy Valentine’s!

If you would like to know more about this emotions malarkey and how to harness the power within them to bag your ideal relationship, get in touch with me, Madeleine Mason Roantree and perhaps we can work on some coaching together.

by Madeleine Mason Roantree

Psychologist

Madeleine has over 15 years of experience in psychology, where she is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Applied Positive Psychology. She is currently undertaking a PhD in Counselling Psychology, and is member of the British Psychological Society, the International Positive Psychology Association & Dating Industry Professionals Network.More by this author

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