The immediate response to rejection is “it’s me” and before you know it, your inner critic loves to jump in and help you tell yourself all the reasons why you’re unlovable. It’s my personality, it’s my body, it’s my friends. I’m not good enough. I’m sure you’ve beaten yourself up before with all of this and more, but you can choose to experience and deal with rejection in a different way.
You’re not like everyone else
Each of us is individual and how we’re wired has a lot to do with our life from birth. There is something called “attachment styles”. If you had a healthy, loving and secure environment growing up you will likely have a view of yourself as worthy of being loved. If you had an insecure experience, you may struggle a little with rejection as you have a life narrative that says not lovable. What you need to do in this situation is choose to be compassionate to yourself and recognise that you are definitely worth loving and this is not a repeat of life to date. It takes courage to put yourself out there, but it’s worth it and so are you.
Choose not to isolate and fuel the rejection feelings
As humans we are programmed to need attachment with humans, so don’t isolate in place of rejection. Make an effort to get out and spend time with positive people doing uplifting, fun, engaging things. It will help repair your psyche whereas a long and protracted conversation with a friend who has also been rejected may in fact fuel your insecurities. As you both roll out all the negatives about men or women it can push you into a place of bitterness and allow your inner critic to take full control.
When we have loved someone even for a short time, or thought we did, the feelings are often intense. So, when the object of our affection rejects us and suddenly is no longer in our life, it creates a space. It’s natural to grieve and it’s part of the physical and mental process to allow yourself to have a good cry, possibly more than once or twice. It can creep up on you in a moment when you least expect it. Grieving is important to acknowledge and be allowed to happen. What will damage your self-worth and resilience is to let that take you over and define you.
Better to know now
Nothing worse than to imagine for a long period of time that someone else is as in love with you or even as enthusiastically interested in you as you are in them. If you’re going to be loved, better it’s completely, wholeheartedly, without reservation, and with joy. Any flicker of hesitation or uncertainty about it and imagine how wrong it would be for you. The rejection might be painful in the short term, but better to accept it and move on before you waste any more of your life on a dead-end street. In the moment, it may feel horrendous to hear or accept, but how much better off are you to hear the truth and move on than to linger in a place of dishonesty. Once you know and accept that fact, you’ll start to feel so much better about being free again to explore and meet the 100% version of love.
How to quieten your inner critic
It’s been mentioned already, but when you’re rejected, it’s one of the times in your life where it really does take over. It can help to name your inner critic and when you feel it rising and taking over your thought process, tell it to “be quiet, stop it” (not out loud in the street or in a café!), or “go away, I don’t have time to listen to you right now”. Mindfulness is a superb tool to help you reset your mind. If the idea of it is new or you are not sure if you could sit still long enough, try something a little easier. Go out on a walk and keep your phone in your bag, don’t listen to music, be present and breathe. If you feel your mind drifting to the negative, say to yourself “get off the thought bus”. Don’t allow your thoughts to take you down a road towards negative ideas. Instead replace it with gratitude. What are you grateful for? What are your great attributes? Why do your friends love you? It’s an opportunity to recalibrate your thinking. A park is the best place or somewhere that is connected to nature.
Don’t let rejection stop you
Life is full of stories of achievement in which there was a plethora of rejection before there was a win. Imagine in your mind how sweet it will be when you do meet the love of your life. Believe that it can happen and fill your life in the meantime with positive people, experiences, habits and thinking. This will fuel your confidence and there’s nothing more attractive than someone who you sense is grounded, self-aware, emotionally intelligent, resilient, and open. Rejection can if you let it, make you work hard on creating barriers to love in an effort to protect yourself. It takes bravery and courage to remain open to love, but you can do it and not let rejection spoil how brilliant you are or preclude you from finding true love. If you think you need that extra support to navigate any of these issues, get in touch today.