Online Dating, the Formula for Success!

01 Feb

Do you have dating app fatigue? Are you disillusioned and frustrated? It is very possible that you’re not set up online properly for success.

an asian chinese beautiful young lady having dessert in her apartment during magic hour, dusk and talking to her boyfriend thru internet using her laptop to online dating

While most of the world is maintaining work, friends and family relationships in cyber space, it’s not surprising to hear of zoom fatigue. Likewise, are you dating by app in place of the potential of meeting by happenstance in a chic bar, a private club, which is likely to be impossible with lockdown restrictions. Do you have dating app fatigue? Are you disillusioned and frustrated? It is very possible that your online dating profile is not set up for success.

Towards the end of last year, we received over 500 responses to our survey about dating and online dating. Pouring over the results, very interesting data emerged that highlight what I have been talking about for years.

Finding love is a priority for everybody, the sooner the better.

We always hear how there are massive gender differences, men aren’t serious about dating or women just want meal tickets. Truth be told, there is little difference between men and women when it comes to wanting to find love.

Both men (94%) and women (95%) reported that finding someone is important to them.

Only 5% stated that they were indifferent to meeting someone online. None of the 522 respondents marked this as ‘not important’.

Most singles (66%) would like to meet someone within the next 12 months, compared to a third (32%) who didn’t have a timescale. Contrary to what one might think, both men (37%) and women (37%) stated that they wanted to find their partner within the next 3 months, with an additional 30% (28% men, 30% women) stated that they wanted to meet someone within the next 12 months.

So, if you are sat with the experience that nobody is serious about online dating, it’s because your online profile is attracting the wrong people. Consider revamping your profile to reflect yourself more accurately and honestly (more on that later).

Online dating sucks for both men and women

Singles feel it’s an uphill struggle; especially with lockdown, we can’t go out and meet folks so we have to resort to online dating, and that can be a challenge. While most singles can find something enjoyable about online dating, 22% men and 29% women do not enjoy online dating at all.

Those who could find something positive to say about online dating included statements such as: “It can be entertaining and there are those initial exciting encounters”, “It’s nice to find people whose path I might not otherwise cross”, “Having evening plans to look forward to” and “The hope that you might find the right match to have a long-term relationship”.

However, many had actively negative comments to the question “what do you enjoy about online dating?”. They couldn’t bring themselves to say anything positive about it.

Women’s comments consisted of statements such as:

“Absolutely nothing – it’s really relentless and seems to go nowhere “

“So far I haven’t enjoyed it as I believe there are too many players out for what they can get!!!”

“I do not find anything enjoyable about online dating.  I find it all much too impersonal “

“Not a lot. It has been a painful and humiliating experience so far”

“Not much. I find it difficult to stay engaged or energetic about it. I very quickly feel despondent. “

Comments from the gents included:

“There is nothing enjoyable about it”

“Nothing. It’s terrible.”

“Nothing… can’t believe how many dysfunctional women are on these sites”

“Nothing – I feel it is a necessary evil that might enable me to find a partner but so far no joy”

The most common challenges people have about online dating are that online daters lie, scam, ghost, waste time, don’t take dating seriously or use it to promote their Instagram account. People found online dating time-consuming and exhausting. The negative experiences ranged from outdated photos, too many people, difficulties in striking up conversations, bad manners and being rejected. Worries about dating included fearing they will never meet anyone, that they will be taken advantage of and lied to, get hurt, choose the wrong partner and be unable to meet someone in time to start a family.

No surprise really. Online dating can be quite tedious and demoralising. What is noteworthy is, again, that there is practically no difference between men and women. While people can find something positive about dating, it seems that many actively dislike it. If you think that all men (or women) are the issue, then know the opposite sex experiences the same struggles. If you are finding it difficult and stressful with online dating, know that you are not alone. When experiencing dating fatigue, the best antidote is to accept that it’s tiring for the moment and take a little break from it all.

Why you don’t meet the right people

In the survey we found that up to a quarter of people (24% of women and 19% men) felt they didn’t put enough effort into dating as they should. So, while you may be serious about dating, a large chunk of people you encounter haven’t stepped up their game. Furthermore, a quarter of the men and women who took the survey reported leaving things up to fate. While it’s a nice idea, Mr or Mrs right is not going to swoon into your presence, even if you have put yourself ‘out there’.

So, in addition to those who for whatever reason haven’t put enough effort into their profile, there is a portion of people you encounter who think that simply having the intention to find love, means it will happen. Possibly without ensuring that their profile is on point and that their ways of going about it is efficient.

Don’t be one of them! I am afraid you may need to put in more effort, and perhaps more ‘smart’ effort, as in, become efficient at dating so that you don’t feel like you are wasting your time. Part of this process is what I call ‘doing your due diligence’ and of course having a killer profile.

I leave you with some tips on how to get started with that.

5 top tips for online dating

  1. Make sure your main photo is recent and in focus where you are smiling and clearly visible. You want to be inviting. Overcome your distaste for having your photo taken, this is important!
  2. Check your search criteria settings; Are your filters realistic? Or do you only look for a narrow set of criteria within the height or body shape section? Have you chosen a realistic age range? Are the criteria settings focused? For instance, don’t tick ‘don’t mind’ if you do mind having children, getting married etc.
  3. Don’t tailor the profile to your imaginary partner, the one you think will find you attractive. For example, I see all too many people post photos of an activity trip, making out to be super active, when in fact it was a single skiing holiday 7 years ago.
  4. Ensure your profile bio is specific to you and what you are about. Love cats? Write that. You want to stand out. Don’t do the average Jo thing, ‘I enjoy eating in, but enjoy going out too. I have fun with friends but am equally comfortable on the sofa’. It won’t be possible to tell you apart from the next person.
  5. While it’s tempting to take a dig at people, with ‘no losers please’ or ‘don’t message me unless you are serious’, try not to let your bad experiences taint your profile. You want to come across as friendly and approachable. Even if you are a moody person, there are times when you are welcoming, that’s the part of you we want to see on your profile. You can do this!

Get in touch with the team at Vida today for a chat on how we can help you navigate your dating life.

by Madeleine Mason Roantree

Psychologist

Madeleine has over 15 years of experience in psychology, where she is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Applied Positive Psychology. She is currently undertaking a PhD in Counselling Psychology, and is member of the British Psychological Society, the International Positive Psychology Association & Dating Industry Professionals Network.More by this author

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